I’m in the market for a Christmas party dress. A lovely afternoon lunch with friends dress. A dress that a respectable gal can wear while she gets s***faced at Blackbird at one in the afternoon and still call herself a lady dress. So what do I do? I take to the internet. But instead of finding stylish, lovely dresses, what I saw online—on more than a few websites mind you—horrified me to my fashionista core.

Did you know that when they make dresses now, the sides are missing?

Hey Kimbo what’s your least favorite part of your body? The sides of you? Great! We’ll make sure to expose those areas to the wind. What the actual hell is happening in fashion? If it made any sort of sense to leave giant, gaping holes in the middle of a frock I’d have some flexibility, but this development quite simply tells me we’ve lost our minds. These garments look like someone attacked you on the way to lunch. Or a monster came up to you on the street and thought your dress looked delicious. There is no logic here, there is only chaos, and perhaps a strong likelihood to catch a chill.

I want a dress. A whole dress. A dress nobody else has snacked on. I want style, and fun, and I don’t think we should have to bare parts of our bodies only our showers see in order to accomplish those things. Down to shivering in restaurant aircon. Down to Swiss Cheese Chic.

ONWARDS!

Your Author 

Kimberly Fisher Horan is an Australian Fashion Editor, Stylist & Writer based in Manila Philippines. Co-Founder of Sitara Vintage & founder of TPNW shoes

Check out The Perfect Nude Wedge and Sitara Vintage to see Kimbo’s designs.